The first time man realised a horse could be ridden, be assured he also quickly felt the need in his nethers for increased ride comfort. Enter the padded saddle, a welcome boon to his favourite pastimes, namely, exploration and war.
Not only could he lord it over pedestrians – sorry, infantry – in battle, he could also cover more ground more quickly and in relative comfort. As ever though, power and success are catalysts for narcissism. However, with opportunities for one-upmanship limited by the frustrating inability of a horse to produce more than one horsepower, the saddle became the status symbol.
While cowboy John opted for embroidered leather with beaded tassels, King Xerxes preferred an elaborately patterned mix of unicorn horn and feathers snatched from the wings of Pegasus. Allegedly. These fantastical displays of wealth and power are not merely old habits from a bygone era, as a significant debutant at the recent Beijing motor show proves not much has changed.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Saddles were great but, what really transformed transport was the horse-drawn wagon. Again, man set about adding comfort and opulence. Fixed axles and wooden wheels made way for suspension and sprung seats while once-makeshift buggies evolved into magical Cinderella-style carriages. The next revolution was the introduction of the motorised carriage, or car for short, by Gottlieb Daimler and Karl Benz. Humble, simple, and practical, the car encouraged us to explore once more.
True to form, we soon began adding speed, comfort, luxury, and glamour. A tonne of chrome, an acre of bonnet, and a feeding frenzy of fins epitomised this unbridled excess. World wars put the brakes on, forcing people to spend their money on bread instead of a Bugatti while demand shifted from sports coupés to general purpose military vehicles aka Jeeps.
With a pile of aluminium lying around after the war, Britain gave us the Land Rover, a back-to-roots, go anywhere carriage powered by what felt like one horsepower – an ideal companion for the great outdoors. It was soon joined by equally pragmatic offerings such as the Land Cruiser of Toyota and the Wagoneer of Jeep. But history tells us humble competence is not sufficient for closet narcissists.
What else could explain the rapid evolution of the sports UTILITY vehicle from genuinely useful family exploration tool to [vulgar?] display of wealth? Grand as they are, I am not talking about the MLs, X5s and Q7s of this world, but a new breed from the upper echelons of Cardom, gold-plated gravel chariots parading under the banners Bentayga, Urus, and Cullinan. These tsunamis of torque and excess are the ultimate car park peacocks. Not to be outshone by a few ‘British’ upstarts and a tractor maker, the descendants of Herr Daimler and Herr Benz signalled their riposte in Beijing with the Vision Mercedes-Maybach Ultimate Luxury, a three-box SUV of unfathomable style and cartoon proportions.
Forget the 24-inch wheels, split rear window and 550 kW electric drive, nothing screams insecure like the words ‘Ultimate Luxury’ chrome-branded to your hind-quarters. And then there is the other-worldly interior features, headlined by rose gold framed, diamond stitched, white nappa leather seats, and a fine china tea service integrated into a sculpted ‘Magic Wood’ ebony tea tray. Xerxes himself would blush.
– Wayne Batty
